Finding my Path
Isabel Serrano
I was once asked what the hardest part of graduate school was. This question came about while I was leading a workshop aimed at encouraging students to apply to graduate school. I took a pause to think about this question carefully. Not because I planned to lie for the sake of convincing students to apply, but because I didn’t want to sugar coat the answer. The fact is graduate school is difficult. I’ve been pushed to learn new skills quickly and troubleshoot issues that felt unsolvable – all of which felt crushing at times. But, these tasks were doable and I was always determined to overcome the challenges. At the time that this question was asked, I had already been struggling for a while, and quite frankly I still am. The first year of graduate school was challenging and, on paper, the most difficult. However, I had motivation and energy to tackle any problem that came my way. So, if the bumps in the road were manageable, what was the hardest thing about graduate school? My response: feeling lost.
Feeling lost – that sounds like a vague answer. As a reader, maybe you connect with this sentiment in a specific way. For me, feeling lost seems to have bled into multiple facets of my graduate school experience. I’ll touch on the sentiments that come to mind for me, but if you resonate with this article, please know you are not alone. Maybe reading about this feeling will help you figure out your funk or will encourage you to engage in conversation with others who are feeling the same way.
If I were to pinpoint when I started to feel lost, I’d estimate that it was after I passed my qualifying exam. My second year of graduate school was relatively successful: I’d received a fellowship and could finally change my email signature from PhD Student to PhD Candidate. I thought that with both of these wins under my belt I’d feel confident and happy. But, instead I felt numb and sad. Apparently, this feeling is all so familiar that it’s been dubbed the “Third Year Slump” and can be characterized as feeling unmotivated and lost without any clear goals to measure your progress by. Through my second year I found myself checking off graduation requirements that years prior felt impossible. Yet, rather than feeling free, I felt like I was left in the middle of the ocean with no shore in sight. I felt lost because the sense of forward moving progress (and the affirmations that come with it) had dulled.
Note: the third year slump wasn’t constrained to only year three. During my fourth year, I welcomed the added pressure of having to figure out when I was aiming to graduate and what I wanted to do after graduate school. I realized I was even more lost than I originally imagined. For context, I received my B.A. in Applied Mathematics and I’m currently pursuing a PhD in Computational Biology. Computational Biology unites statistics, computer science, and biology. To be said, I don’t regret switching disciplines and delving into an interdisciplinary field. I’ve found the language to describe the questions that interest me and have grown immensely as a scholar. But, I don’t know what my professional identity is. Am I still a mathematician? A statistician? A data scientist? A computer programmer? A biologist? Honestly, I feel like I’m not equipped to have any of these titles. So what professional community welcomes me? This professional identity crisis added a dense layer of fog to the vast ocean I was already paddling across. At times, it paralyzed me because I didn’t know in what direction I should be moving.
This feeling of being lost can be triggered by different factors in graduate school. While it seems like this feeling is a personal issue meant to stay out of the workplace, it seeps into the professional sphere. For me, feeling lost has made science feel gray, has made troubleshooting feel like an endless paddle to a shore that I’ll never reach, and has converted every setback from a learning experience into a failure. It’s made me spiral amid confronting a (fixable) issue into thinking I’m never going to graduate and that I don't have marketable skills. But, I’m determined to start enjoying my journey to the next phase in my life and stop feeling like I’m wandering aimlessly. I don’t have a formula for fixing feeling lost or avoiding this feeling altogether, but I can discuss what’s been helping me:
Talking to my advisor: I’m lucky to have an advisor who cares about the well-being of his trainees as much as he cares about the results we’re producing (small shoutout to Dr. Peter Sudmant). Our advisors know the steps it takes to graduate and reach our professional goals – or they’ll know someone who does. Crafting a map to shore doesn’t have to be an endeavor we complete on our own and they can help identify goal posts that help us gauge our progress. This being said, I recognize that maybe not every advisor is as attentive, so please refer to the tips below.
Talking to other professional mentors: We don’t need to solely lean on our research advisor and in fact, I’ve been advised to find multiple advisors that help strengthen different components and skill sets that I value. Through getting involved in organizations I find meaningful, I’ve identified mentors who have been my partners-in-crime for reaching other professional goals, such as developing impactful outreach programs and institutional partnerships. Not to mention, I still ask my undergraduate mentors for advice (small shout out to the CSU Fullerton Math Department). Each of my mentors reminds me of the various components that are important to my professional development and offer distinct insights into how I can achieve my goals.
Building a support network and connecting with friends: I cannot stress the importance of building a community! When I look back at all the dark moments in graduate school I fully realize that I was able to find the strength to overcome any challenge because I had friends in my corner cheering me on. They are the people who remind you of your values, encourage you when you feel low, and cheer the loudest during your greatest moments. Not to mention, we’re all going through similar experiences. Be vulnerable with each other and support one another.
Reflecting on why I decided to pursue a PhD: I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about why I wanted to pursue a PhD because honestly it sometimes feels like I just want to stop.
Reason A: I love to learn and I wanted to learn new skills that allow me to ask questions that interest me. Remembering this is helping me take a deep breath and driving me to embrace the new challenge as a moment to learn new skills.
Reason B: I wanted to be a Data Whisperer! I wanted to be able to dive into a pool of information and outline a story that others could also enjoy. I want to be a scientist – and this experience is for me to see what stories I can uncover. Think about the reasons you keep pursuing your field and find ways that you can connect with these reasons in your day to day.
Identifying the aspects of science I enjoy: What components of your science drew you to your field? I chose Computational Biology partially because I love coding. I like the puzzles I’m able to tackle. I love bringing each component of code together to run an analysis or build a program. There will always be troubleshooting (I’m honestly shocked when I don’t hit an error), but it’s part of building the puzzle and the puzzle WILL be built.
Engaging in activities that bring my life joy: While you’re in graduate school, you’re not just a graduate student. You still have a life to live! When we forget about making our own lives enjoyable, life becomes painfully neutral and is really a net negative when we throw troubleshooting into the mix. Identify activities that bring you joy and that make your day slightly more positive. My joys come from food and connection, so I plan dinner with friends or make sure I have a great lunch to look forward to everyday.
Honestly, writing this piece allowed me to reflect on practices that help me reconnect with myself. While it still feels like a daunting task to figure out steps for The Future, I feel driven (and excited!) to define my own career path. Science is starting to regain color (it’s been ~a month since I wrote the first draft for reference) and I’m remembering the aspects that drove me to a PhD to begin with. Thank you for reading my train of thought and I highly encourage you to take some time for yourself and think about practices that will help you reconnect with yourself again.
Isabel is a PhD Candidate in Computational Biology at UC Berkeley. She’s passionate about mentorship, community-building, and increasing accessibility to higher education. In her free time, she loves to explore coffee/food places, spend time with her cats, and connect with loved ones.